Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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