If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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