I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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