I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
