Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
