3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
