Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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