He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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