Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
