I don't usually arrange sex via text message
you win again, gameday.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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