Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
