oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
