I faked an abortion last night.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
