The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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