Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
