I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize