More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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