Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
