It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
