You don't have asthma, your pregnant
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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