Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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