Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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