two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
