Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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