the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Hippo gnu deer
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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