Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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