He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
