My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize