there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
