I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
