This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
