Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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