By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
