jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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