The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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