The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
