I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
