My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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