Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
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