I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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