Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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