that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
