We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
