maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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