Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize