Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
