Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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