hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
