I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
