my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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