My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Randomize
