fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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