Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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