How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
