I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize